Attracting/choosing what you think you lack.

You are attracted to that of which you want to be. 

The things you think you are not. 

You are looking for other people to act as projections of the suppressed part of you. 

You are piecing yourself together from the outside. 

You have the belief there is an attribute that you lack, so you are finding others who you think fill this void. 

(This one is self-reflective and more honest. more personal, because really and truly it is far more real to admit you are learning as you go, and bring others on that journey). 

I, am. Was. Although she is dying... was the child who was too soft, too quiet, too needy, not assertive enough, not loud enough. Although deep down, I was always aware there was a part of me that was loud, boisterous, bodacious and feisty.  

Yes. She existed. Yes she thrives now. Yes she did come out to play, sometimes, but before, she was in a cage and would only get glimpses of light. She was told to shut up because of the belief her voice was not good enough to echo. My extrovert was suppressed because I felt I had already solidified my identity as mostly an introvert. If I change now, people will think I'm being fake, I'm trying too hard. So. Better be a consistent narrative for skim readers. Stupid. Now I know.
But back then fear had my throat. 

Funny thing was, I have always attracted and have been attracted to people who mirror me as my opposite in a sense, I, on first hand encounter, appear as a meek, perhaps reserved being. This is okay, but because I never allowed my opposite personality to breathe, I would go out subconsciously seeking other people who make up for what I thought I lacked. People who seemed more fun. More exciting. Braver, louder and therefore more worthy of attention.

'I may not be always as excitable but being around people whose energy is, might act as a way of feeding my suppressed energy. - - subconscious. 

Now, this doesn't mean I didn't form real friendships ever, a lot of the friends I made years ago, I'm still close with today, those are my people, my family that I have chosen, but I do realise that I have formed relationships with people who seem on the surface, to contrast and also compliment me as my opposite in a sense.( obviously, we must have things in common in order for a relationship to last) but that's not the point. The point is I was dependant on energy outside of me for energy I had suppressed, I didn't ever need these people, I just needed more of myself the whole time. There was the feeling that I could not be a diverse person, because, when are people ever really allowed to be multifaceted in our society? You're either modest or promiscuous... right? When I started to realise what I have in me I began to relax more, I am loud,  silent,  intelligent, boisterous, reserved. Every woman. . Also, how much is it my problem if someone cannot see outside of the boxes their own mind has drawn, its not.

So, if we are gravitating towards each other, and we are all natural intelligence subjected to experience, which brings forth our individual knowledge. Then. What is the knowledge other people want from me? The other day, I was contemplating this and I pictured myself having a conversation with a young girl, what would I tell her if she felt worthless and didn't understand how she contributed to her relationships. Well. 'Just as you have chosen those people,they have chosen you. Your silence. Softness. And ability to observe is beautiful. It is a hidden strength, because deep down somewhere you know, doing too much sometimes can be a way of avoiding the voice that says you are not enough, embrace this side of you, the people who have chosen to be around you are in a relationship with you for a purpose, you are their mirror, as they are yours'. 

+ 'Don't ever lose your sense of self worth because you appear to be the one who has less to say. Having not much to say can show you are receptive in other ways. Through sensing. Through listening. Through watching. This is a great skill! Keep it!. The people who constantly appear as extroverts may need some of your 'I don't need to do too much because I'm already badass' 

Now, that I, we, understand that you want people that express a part of you that may be suppressed, then, you can start to use their flame to ignite your candle, this is the freeing part because it's like, damn I never needed you I just wanted more of me. Thankyou for mirroring to me the part of me that was buried, and inspiring me to resurrect it. Now the relationship can exist from co dependency into communion. True love! Because we bounce off eachother effortlessly. 

There is no fear that 'I am not enough', I dont count on you for completion, but you do compliment me.



love to all who read.
love to all who dont.


Hermenia.