Never leave hope breathing.

Never leave hope breathing. 

It has a way of seeping gas through the cracks of a torn chest. 

Giving breath to the concrete.
Filling a heart up with 'maybes'.  
You Find a faith in your bones. 

In the soil grows the seeds. 

'what if' is conceived. 

Before I lost the tiny device which encapsulated the core of my emotions. My sadness, my happiness. That was practically a portable part of me outside of me.

I wrote my whole life story.  Almost. I talked to myself about who I was before, how it's made me all I am now. 

How what I thought were my weaknesses are my strengths and how it takes time to be able to hold all your gifts and use them to your benefit. 

How our divine inheritance of talent will work against us and as a child to adolescent and beyond, until you learn how to accept yourself. You will sell yourself cheap in the desperate hope of being appreciated. 

Just as I complete the longest note on my phone that I would have loved to read back. Go over. Edit. Release. 

I lose it. 

The whole thing. 

But writing all those words, thoughts and feelings made me strong. 

Now.  I outline the lesson in all losses.

- There is a force pulling me to walk into something new. What better time to do that than spring. 
- When I was away from home. I was having so much fun, enjoying life... absorbing a fresh environment. With that I lost all the feelings that weighed me down. So do things that make you feel good more. 

- You will lose it all to learn protection. 
- You will lose it all to learn to guard your treasures with your life.

- People will care as much as you do.
- Make no apologies for the words of your soul.

And although it sounds like common sense. To always back up everything you do. I've been thinking about why I never did that with all my words. Even some of the ones I loved, maybe because deep down.  I thought, 'I probably won't be sharing this'. I wish I did now. It goes to show how important it is to protect the things that mean a lot to you. 

I still remember, a lot of my words, they come back to me in fragments, some in full- those are the ones I would read over in order to memorise them. 

So I'm writing it all down      again. 

(Atleast what is engraved in my brain.)

I do believe, we are given what we need to move forward, even if it's the minimum. 

I am not waiting

When we finally get what we 'want'. Who's to say we will not have lost the things that we 'need by then'? Like some friends and family. And yes I mean this literally, Of course... 'God Forbid' and this is certainly not something we want to think about or fathom. But as much as we are in control of our lives, as much as we are life. We are actually moving within spontaneity. There is so much out of our hands. In a later post. I definitely want to talk about something more personal, about my own personal realisations about what I 'want' for myself.

But who's to say I'll be blessed enough to have it all at the same time, my loved ones and my version of 'success', I pray I do. I pray when I'm 25 and I've got some things checked off the list by then and I've manifested a lot of my dreams thinking. 'Hm. Well done Hermenia'. I've got all the people I love sharing love, happiness and joy with me. But whether my future will play out this way is not in my control. So then, is it not foolish to anticipate the day you will 'glow' and lose the present?

In this world of social media, it's easy to get caught up in wants and 'goals'. It's easy to get lost in the hustle and the chase. It's easy to rob yourself of priceless wealth which is sincere love from yourself and others, and begin chasing replaceable material wealth.

At any moment in time. The ground can be snatched from underneath us and our realities turned upside down. 

If I had everything I ever wanted. If I was a 'successful' illustrator, writer, designer and all the other things I want to be that are too abstract for a title. And didn't have my mother. Of course, with time I'd gather the strength to keep going. But love does not die. And this fact is what keeps you in heart ache and also what heals you. It is a void and a feeling which can never be filled. So, this mothers day, I'm thankful and grateful she is here, beautiful as ever and healthy. Here to share life with me in the physical form.

It's so easy to imagine the perfect future. But it is merely a dream that will never be realised, because, if us humans had our way. We would have it so that we hardly ever or never endure pain. And pain is necessary for purging and evolution. We would make things too easy.

Life as it is, is already perfect. It is already divine. The present moment is this way for a reason and to be appreciated. And I have been constantly reminding myself of this.

So whatever,

I am everything I want to be right now. I am all that I need right now. I have all the tools to build and bridge between my dreams and reality right now. And as I'm working. I'll definitely be stopping to have conversations. To fall in love. To watch a sunset. Because there's no point building the future  to realise the view you had in the past was awesome. There will be no real bridge to walk over to see what you missed when your head was down.

My last post was. 'Negativity is inevitable'. Well so is success. Whatever that looks like for you. Whatever that looks like for me. You know what let me talk to myself. Because I always am anyway, I'm actually thinking of making a YouTube channel under a name like that.

As long as I continue to fall in love with myself.
To practice using my body as a vessel for a message to uplift the world.
To love others.
And give light for growth.
As long as I meet God half way.
Then the universe will respond to my frequency and energy I'm giving out.  

That's not saying I'll never get stressed. but, I will stop pretending I'm not already all the things I wanted be once upon a time. 
Oh and a little bit more. :) 

There's a song by 'Nuages' called. 'Dream'. It's a trip. Cos it really takes you on a journey. There's a beautiful instrumental. And over it.

Is the voice of philosopher Alan Watts:

"So then, let’s suppose that you were able every night to dream any dream you wanted to dream, and that you could for example have the power within one night to dream 75 years of time, or any length of time you wanted to have.

And you would, naturally, as you began on this adventure of dreams, you would fulfil all your wishes. You would have every kind of pleasure. And after several nights of 75 years of total pleasure each you would say “Well that was pretty great”. But now let’s have a surprise, let’s have a dream which isn't under control, where something is gonna happen to me that I don’t know what it's gonna be.

And you would dig that and would come out of that and you would say “Wow that was a close shave, wasn't it?”. Then you would get more and more adventurous and you would make further- and further-out gambles what you would dream. And finally, you would dream where you are now. You would dream the dream of living the life that you are actually living today."

I'm back to blogging if you haven't noticed. 

- Hermenia