The 'Silent Observer' / The Divine Present

I've been living. I cannot say living painlessly or perfectly, but there have been glimpses of bliss. What more could you ask for? Inbetween work and more work I found the time to read a book. 'The Power of NOW' by Eckhart Tolle. The book is a best-seller, and Tolle's account of personal experience has resonated with many. After reading the book, this is what stuck with me, the bit that transformed my day to day thinking and thus changed my life.

So, this is my translation of the basis of what Tolle attempts to communicate in his book, ofcourse his writing goes far deeper- these are the basic understandings that I wrote down after reading.

It is a game-changer when it comes to how you handle your emotions.

1.

How are you possibly all your emotions?
You cannot be.
In order to know your feelings.
There is apart of you that is permanently detached from those feelings, simply because you are able to observe them. If 99% percent of you is 'sad'. Then there is the 'silent observer'.
The 1% percent of you that is witnessing the sadness.
You cannot possibly be 100% sad and be able to self-proclaim your sadness, because the part of you which knows you are unhappy, is not within itself unhappy, or it too, would be lost in that emotion. This part of you is your ability to analyse yourself or otherwise known as the observer within.

The untouched.
Unmoved part of yourself that is forever grounded. The spirit, I do believe.
This part of you is not lost in the human experience. It is in touch with the source of all life.
Forever. It knows that every moment, feeling and emotion is just a wave passing through.

It sees the thoughts and knows it is not purely the thoughts. It is not purely fear or even happiness. It is simply 'I AM'. It is divinity.

Meditation.
For me. Is accessing this divinity.
Being still allows you to go behind, above or beyond and see your thoughts and feelings from another layer of yourself. From the untouched I AM.

The next time you are suddenly afraid,
In that moment you are one with the fear.
Let it be. Then take a moment, to realise you are having a moment, now have the fear 'sit inside of you' take this moment to fully accept you feel fearful...
Soon you realise the part of you that is observing your own fear. Is you.
So, that part of you is not afraid. It is just a silent witness to the emotion.

Finally I wrote... 'that part of you is Gods love. The little tear drop in the vast ocean that has ways been. You can access it whenever you wish. It is forever fresh air.

Enjoy the human experience. But do not fully identify with it.
'We are in the world and yet not of it'.

2.

Save yourself (and them) with the NOW.

The power of Now is in the realisation that the past nor future is real. They are both purely projections of the Mind. When we allow these projections of what we remember or anticipate to control our lives, we begin acting out in response to the 'past' or 'future'. Moments which are no longer real, or moments that we have created which we cannot be certain will become real. This is the only way they can have any power over us, when we pretend they are.

This is how we cripple the power of the present, the Now, the only thing that really exists.

Shortly after reading the book, I had a moment of unpleasant thought- but the insight in the book helped me to unravel the thought and detatch from it, here is how that worked:

'I am sad that I witness a struggle from people I love, and some of the things said and done in the past, are still manifesting now.'

The sadness stayed in me, without seeking to understand it, I became angry.
But then I realised, what is my main concern if I am not sad for myself.
It is the empathy I feel for others.
But sitting in that sadness and anger means.
Just as they are identifying with the past. As am I.
If I carry the weight of past emotion then who will be saved?
The present moment is always fresh! Is always grace. If I also choose to dwell in the past then we are all drowning.
Why dont I then offer a space for air. Through being air.
A space for them to exist in the Now. Through me just being, right Now?

The present moment is always a saviour. Always divine grace.
Always new air.
Always love.

Okay.
Hope that was clear, sorry if it wasn't but if you really want to grasp The Power Of Now- read the book ! It's one to change your life and keep for life.
And read through again and again.
Theres alot of amazing in depth teachings Tolle writes to further heighten knowledge of self.
All from his own personal dissection of himself and experiences.
Just a human seeking to understand and be okay with his human-ness, as we all are.

Love to all who read.
And all who dont.

Hermenia.

-

Directly in front of me, there is a sunset.
It mirrors me in every essence of my being. Silent. Bright. Encompassing. And terribly beautiful.
Above me, Is a sky of blue with stripes of white, and beneath me is the tide pushing itself against its own back. Going back onto itself and relaying. I think it enjoys this, going round in circles. With nothing to lose. And nothing to gain. Nothing to be understood. Everything to be felt.
In the center of this pull.
I melt.

The birds are free and I wonder if this is the final stop. Freedom.
Who has it better? Me, or a bird? I wish to be like it. Does it ever wish to be like me? Does know what it means to wish?
Is its brain as limited as I think it is?
Is it a gift or a curse, to be able to think beyond yourself?

In the stillness of my own body.
I Bend backwards on an old iron bench.
I realise that this is what it means to live. Atleast.
This is how i want to live my life.
I will not make it out of here alive.
And.
On a pale blue dot.
I sit. Somewhere within it.
Chosen to exist.
Chosen to observe it.
From the inside.

We have come too far... Dont Stop.

We have come too far to let things hold us back. Or slow us down.
We must allow ourselves to ride with our pain. If there is any at all, until it subsides.

As you remember how hard you fell.
Do not forget all the things you found on the ground. All the diamonds in the dust. Shake yourself off, carve yourself a crown.

If there is a such thing as time. And you think 'time is running out'. You might aswell be. Moving with the clock. You're either watching it and matching it or you're simply watching it and wasting.

Make a decision. Close your eyes and forget what you see. Because looks have a tendency to deceive. We can live with our eyes shut. Trust me. Real belief is blind to our reality. The heart knows ones true capabilities. Thats why a poor child can dream of being president. And the one who gets rejected, rejects staying down again.

Because your spirit will take you beyond those doors. No knocking. So aligned you wont remember how you got through, so just follow your joy and let life surprise you.

Dream.
Desire.
Dedicate.
Devote.
Be Determined
Dont count. &
Dont stop.

A freewrite
For me.
For everyone.

Love to all those who read, and all those who dont.

You have dreamed of being what you are today.

Something thats been really resonating with me, is once upon a time I dreamed of being everything I am right now. It seems, we are often living in a state of aspiration, always thinking in future terms, always hoping to be a thing. But aren't you right now, atleast some of the things you could have only hoped of being. Have you not gathered some of the materials you dug tirelessly for? Have you not earned the wisdom the past worked you hard for? Ofcourse. You are not everything you want to be. But once upon a time you dreamed of being what you are today.

There is always a part of us. Whether it seems minuscule. So insignificant you might not realise. It might be that you had hoped to be brave enough to share your thoughts with the world and now you do that, more shamelessly than before.
It might be that you were once unconfident and now you find the things that took you so much courage are now second nature. It may be that you could never sit in your own silence and now you find yourself okay with your solitude. Perhaps you have gained more independence, more self appreciation, opened yourself up more to love.

My childhood dream was to be an artist in as many creative fields I could reach. Although the picture hasn't been painted exactly as I thought it would. Although the colours could be brighter, I'm not working with a blank canvas, there are outlines on the drawing board, and splashes of colour, its taking form. I still remember staring at that canvas confused and lost about how I'd get what the hell I want. Where would I start from, now I have started.

We dream ourselves into reality, first we think about what we wish to be. Then we work to become it. Within working do not forget you are progressing. The evolution is always happening in front of us if we take a moment to stop and realise.

Id like to believe there is always something. Even if its that you hold your head up slightly higher than you did before.

It counts.

It counts as progress.
It counts as success.

Back to the blog.
Thanks and love to all those who have told me the posts resonate with them.
Love to all who read.
And all who dont.

'I am not here for this'

I was born to feel fear but not to succumb to it.

I was born to know failure but see the road ahead.

I was born to feel love and all its colours.

Whats shaken me up, is realising, what I am here for, and what I have certainly not agreed to.

At birth, you sign a contract with Earth and agree to experience the emotions that come with living on it , or, lets say- your spirit signs a contract to have a human experience.

Within the experience, it becomes so easy to get caught up in one part of the journey, forgetting that there is a whole lifetime ahead of you. Why reduce yourself to one negative experience rather than letting it grow you? Why define yourself by your past? just because once upon a time you decided to subscribe to a mindset that once confined you.

This is not what we are here for. To be stuck. I have agreed to live and feel pain, I never agreed to settle in it.

Remember yourself. Everyday.

When you realise a feeling which is not serving you has been residing in your bones for too long. Say. ‘I am not here for this’. And dance it off.

I am remembering what I am here for, what I deserve to give myself... how much I should forgive myself, as I proceed to forgive others

To live life fully. And abundantly. We must rid ourselves of the fear that tells us. 'No one will care about our stories. No one will have time to read/watch/listen to our art. No one cares enough'.

Well, we must care enough about ourselves. Slowly, I am fixing my tongue to utter language I was once to fearful to speak. I am pouring out my opinions and my thoughts onto paper as imagery. I am inviting the motions to move through me, and responding sincerley with every breath. Because, this is what I came for- and I will not cheat myself out of living.

If you’re breathing and reading this, you may be feeling stuck, alone and confused. Im not a phyciatrist or some kind of spiritual leader and I dont want to be. But something does compell me to reflect and respond to my experiences through writing. I have helped myself by diving deep into my core, and what is currently healing/helping me now, is seeing reality for what it is, I am here now, the people I have, are here, the people who left, are gone. My reflection in the mirror will be the only thing recurring without doubt.

So, let me deal with the cards I am dealt. Thats what I am here for, to keep on keeping on, to collect wisdom through experience, to find the gold when life serves me dust.

Love to all who read.
And as always.
All who dont.

- Hermenia

Want the things that want YOU.

‘I have a feeling you only want, what doesnt want you’.

Said the woman on television without realising she had caused a click in my skull, like all this time something was out of place and finally, It had been mended. If not that then it was more like a light had burnt out in my head, an alarm had been buzzing in my brain, all this time, causing my movements to be frantic and nonsensical, finally, I had pressed the off switch of that annoying alarm- that really had no purpose.

This is one of the greatest lessons that has slapped me in the face over the past 4 years. To want the things that want you, do not chase what is not chasing you, listen to the things that call your name and respond. Call its name back, love it as it loves you. Nurture it as it nurtures you. Respect it as it respects you. Hold this reciprocal relationship as sacred. Chase eachother and collide in an embrace.

In the past; I have, found my mind forcing my body to place itself into situations where it felt it should be. Rather than looking in front of me, I’d catch myself looking beyond, into the distance… into a place where I felt I belonged, and even when I got there, and was told through body language, looks, rejection and negative energy, that this was not a reciprocal relationship for me, my mind still had programmed itself into believing that I fit right in.

Thank God, with time I’ve grown up to realise, to stop going out of my way to meet a person or an ‘opportunity’ because really, whenever it didnt meet me half-way, it never worked out.

I have forgiven myself, for all the times I had something good in front of me, and ignored it because I thought I belonged with something better, clearly not, in actuality, if it has its back turned to you, or if its asking you to go the extra mile to ‘prove’ yourself worthy of being in its presence. Then you need to run. Fast.

Want the things that want you.

Pay attention to the people that go out of their way to greet you and embrace you when they see you, meet them back with the same energy, they deserve it. Conserve the energy you may be giving to people who do not appreciate you, and give it to the people, who do. The same goes for opportunities, you can always tell when you are valued, when your name is said with enthusiasm and optimism that you will be an asset to what ever organization your being recruited into.

Ofcourse, life can surprise you, a relationship can begin sour and find its way to being sweet, but alot of time, well for me ive found, what isnt trying to meet you halfway, will show you its true feelings eventually, and if it does change its mind, and begin to see your value- by then you feel completely different.

Want the things that want you, do not chase what is not chasing you, listen to the things that call your name and respond. Call its name back, love it as it loves you. Nurture it as it nurtures you. Respect it as it respects you. Hold this reciprocal relationship as sacred. Chase eachother and collide in an embrace.

- love to all who read. And as always, all who dont.

- Hermenia

20 lessons learned at 20.

1. Do not move from fear.
2. Move from love.
3. Be yourself.
4. Embrace your weird.
5. Want the things that want you.
6. If you want a real teacher. Look at nature.
7. Darkness is there to purge. Do not run from it. It will only allow you to give more light.
8. Combat fear with bravery.
9. Invest in yourself. Not just financially but by claiming your own space and time to cultivate your talents.
10. Go out to places and events of interest. Even if it means going alone. Youll make friends.
Trust me.
11. Do your part. Show up. Let what is meant for you meet you half way.
12. Love never runs dry. No matter how hard someone hurts you. Real love is truly forever. Even in absence. Even in silence.
13. Your weaknesses are your strengths.
14. Your past is your past for a reason. Under divine guidance you have been built up for today.
15. Self- Reflection will save your life.
16. Damn, You really love yourself, dont you.
17. Remember what you’re here for. Never forget.
18. Dedication. Devotion and determination. Dont stop. Dont count.
19. It takes nothing to dream but everything you have to manifest a dream.
20. Girl. You good.

Faking The Burn.

My heart cannot hold space. 
For the weight of a person running away. For the vision of a love lost. 
Or that summers day where it rained,

relentlessly.

My heart has no time for such memory. 
Heart ache was removed from feeling, and a feeling became sentimental.

'Hold onto what hurt you so you remember how the wounds took shape.' 
Hands in broken glass as you invision the face of the past.

It doesnt hurt. 
The pain is sentimental. 
Been with you so long engraved in your mental.

You dont need it anymore. 
Or want it at that. 
You have simply become attached. 
Youre simply just attached.

Something says. 
The time is now. 
To let the old things go.

Our souls, they know spring. 
Our minds, will they follow?

Is It Dangerous.

Is it dangerous. 
To be this comfortable with silence?

To be perfectly okay. 
With waking up. 
And going back to sleep. 
Without the urge, or fight. 
To see the day. 

How healthy is it,
To want nothing?
And embrace nothing wanting you.

- A state of freedom

Being Your Own Oracle

An Oracle, in ancient Greek times, was a woman or a host of women, believed to have divine insight, sacred knowledge, which had been appointed by the gods. People would travel to seek divine help from these Oracles pertaining to actions they should or should not take in the future.
An Oracle can also refer to the temples in which the knowledge was given.

(It is speculated that the Oracles were not infact 'appointed by the gods', and rather were influenced by a gas, which would send them into a frenzy like state and make them appear as if they were channeling some kind of spiritual force.
However, this is not about the legitimacy of the Oracles, rather about what they represent.)

To be your own Oracle,  is to be able to 'come into' yourself and seek your own help. Rather than looking for answers outside and guidance from external sources.

These people will never follow anything that they, at the core, do not believe for themselves. Someone who is their own Oracle holds their own opinion of themselves over any other opinion and takes pride in creating their own blue print to 'success'.

This is not the same as someone who is too proud to take advice from other people. Someone who is their own Oracle understands that just as they are a teacher, so is everyone else, and openly respects the wisdom others have to share. But does not take this wisdom as truth, unless it resonates with them.

This is everyones right.
To trust themselves enough to value their own inner voice.

Gurus, Masters, or whatever respectable title we give people who have decided to make it their life purpose to assist others on Earth. All must have been aware of being their own guru, alone before extending their help to others. 
It is important to realise the inner 'guru'.  That, I believe, must be the central message of all external help you recieve.

Being able to give yourself the advice you would give to another in your position.

These people understand their own power, and how to turn moments of darkness into light.  They reflect on their actions and through this are able to see themselves in a raw state, to be honest with themselves, to understand their role in relationships,  and not just the role of others. These people know and accept responsibility. And thus give themselves the responsibility and power to turn around a situation.

Everyone has their different ways of coming home to themselves, even someone that does not realise. Some people may listen to music. Go to the gym. Sit in silence. Light candles or take a long walk or pray/meditate. All these things, when done with the awareness that they are being carried out for your well being are ways of self healing and self mastery, understanding what works for you, the way you cleanse best.

An Oracle trusts their discernment and intuition, ofcourse as humans, we all have moments of denial or confusion, but ultimately someone who respects their own way. Goes with what they feel at the core of them, it is easy to ignore the inner voice that guides,       
The point is knowing that it exists and respecting it.

Reflecting on personal evolution, I realised I had become my own Oracle or atleast given it a stronger voice when, I realised that I valued my own knowing over blind belief. I grew to respect my perspective, to come in tune with myself to know, that if a message does not resonate with me, then I do not need to hold it up as my truth, but that does not make it a lie. It just means I am not ready to recieve it at this time, I may never be.
This is okay.
It doesnt matter who it is coming from. It could be someone whom I admire, a scholar or a parent.
I have to completely understand (which means to have a learning experience) until I can say, I know.
Before that its simply a theory.

In a world where we wake up, and access our social media accounts almost intantaneously, we are bombarded with external feelings, thoughts and emotions. 
It makes sense for someone to broadcast  their opinion as if it is factual, if from their perspective it is truth. But that does not mean however beautiful the quote it has to be believed or adopted.

For example.

'Never let an old flame burn you twice.'

Lets create two characters, person A and person B.

- A may read this and agree. It may be beneficial at that moment in their life to close doors on whoever has hurt them. To be strong enough to learn from the past rather than repeat a mistake.

But this particular saying may not be as appropriate for B in B's unique circumstance, if B must learn the beauty of forgiveness.
(note: this may not mean making the same mistake twice, but being open to potentially being hurt again through letting in the person who has hurt them in the past). 
No one can decide for B, if this is the right thing to do. Only they can, but if B follows A and applies the 'wisdom' exactly in the same way A does, by shutting out someone completely, they may miss their own unique lesson or blessing.

One mans lie is another mans mantra.

It is extemely important to figure out what is our truth in the present moment. And how to apply others peoples truths to our own unique situations.

- Self Reflection. To look upon yourself and actions from a raw and honest perspective.

- Self Help. Understanding that ultimately no one can 'heal' you but yourself, people can only assist and give advice. Valuing yourself as the number one care taker of your own life.

- Self Healing. Doing the things that reguvinate you. Mentally. Spiritually. Physically.

- Self Respect. Respecting your inner voice. Intuition. Discernment and perspective, what resonates with you may not with everyone. What does with most people may not with you. Different people with different experiences will speak of different truths.
Respect theirs.
Walk in your own.

It is always important to realise that as we give our "words of wisdom' we are constantly reminding ourselves. 
This blog post is just as much for me as it is for anyone who stumbles across it.
Find your way.
Love at all who read
And all who dont.

- Hermenia

We Are All Born To 'Make' It. (Planet Earth Revolves Around Manifesting)

Planet Earth is one of manifestation.
Almost everything is tangible. You can see the outcome of thoughts to literal feeling as you look around, where ever you are.
Humans are always dreaming, thinking and then creating.
The more you know how to do it.
The more valuable you are perceived to be.
We are all born professional dreamers.
The challenge is, how do we turn the intangible into matter? 
Material.
How does one materialise?
And not only that., How does one acquire profit from their ideas to prove they have mastered the art the planet revolves around?
How do we balance our handy work with how fast our brains move?
Personally, I find my brain is always moving. Always layering thoughts over one another. Always expanding, always thinking up new ideas and concepts.
It takes almost no energy to think up an idea, and could take half a life time to manifest it.

The problem is wanting to prove ourselves as creative beings. Through having something to show for. 

So, is there really anything wrong with wanting things? Or wanting money? Or wanting to consume? Or create for that matter. 

No. I don't believe so.
We are here on such a planet to do this very thing.

But something inside me wonders if our value is being placed solely on the physical. 

How much room do we give for the value of emotion, mental health. spiritual growth?
If everything we do, revolves around accumulating a piece of paper, if we need this thing to prove our value at what cost does it compensate for our growth outside of the physical realm but as infinite beings (energy) passing through a material world temporarily.

If you take notice, you will find duality in all things. The relationship between opposites exist everywhere. In this case, its about that of which we can see, and that of which we cannot see. As our planet, with its inhabitants, thriving on that which we can see, feel and taste to survive. 

We place the value on things that only have these elements present. In order to for us to acquire visual wealth, to appear more important we will go the distance- selling parts of our souls in order to be richer.
The transaction I'm writing about doesn't take place in some underground stairwell, hidden from the rest of society due to shame and embarrassment.

Its out. Its open. And it happens both subconsciously and consciously. 
    .
- At the cost of self esteem, our peers (the other humans that work for the brands that feed off of your insecurities) will sell us cheap dreams to look and be something other than ourselves. 

- We are sold the lie that there must be some kind of hierarchy, the constant power struggle, there must be a top and bottom right? Two things cannot shine at the same time.. there is not enough room for diversity. There must be a standard, and unfortunately the consumer has not fully realised their power, that the 'standard' is whatever the hell we say it is. 

- 'Good news does not sell'. Why not? If people decided that they would rather hear about positive movements that are improving the standard of peoples lives, rather than celebrity gossip. Then that is what magazines would give, because no company would release a product, knowing it will not gain any profit. 

Money is physical energy, this is why people feel good when they have it, because we are told that there is value in it. Which is fine, but what you feed grows. So every time we allow ourselves to give into the pressure of trading our energy for products which preach they are a necessity, we feed a system that thrives off of human insecurity. 

- We are pressured to adhere to ideals. 

Ideals. 

Ideals. 

Someone else's idea seeps through our skulls. We are left with the residue of belief systems that do not belong to us. At tender age. Our young, impressionable brains adopt these ideas. We spend the next twenty years trying to unlearn what we did not even need to realise as children before. 

To just be. 

And be okay.  

With whatever that looks like.
Damn. 

Now we go round and round needing constant reminders.

We sell each other to a system of hurt for profit.

Suppress our inner being so we don't stand out too far. 

Have the humans become so self indulgent that they have forgotten how to share?  

Have they become so obsessed with what can be seen. They only value the tangible.
They have no real respect for human suffering. Emotion.
Killing animals for no good reason. 

Consuming more than creating.
We cannot sustain our habits. 
Selling the idea of the ideal human.

Selling our true souls to be easier accepted. Allowing the self esteem of both men and women to be crushed under the force of media.
We kill our mental to feed our greed.
We kill our spirits and the parts of us that make us unique to appear 'better' on the outside.
But what is the internal self esteem saying?

In this generation, we are moving towards a time of being self made. To making a living out of just being authentic.

So. Perhaps it's time for a shift in paradigms. 

Where seeing is no longer the only way to believe it. 

Where receiving sincere love, a smile, is also profit. 

Where we give room for more than one kind of transaction. 

Where we do not lose ourselves in material wealth.
Where we do not forget that there are two sides to life. What we can see and feel and that of which cannot be seen.

The other day this hit me hard. As it was not already so obvious. 

This is what we do here. 
Think. 

Make things.
We have exercised how to use our brains. And then use our bodies to work for our brains.
But there is still one side of us that goes thirsty and uncultivated. 

Our hearts. Human empathy.

For a long time we have asked, why? 

Why do we do this, why were we so ready to use fellow humans as slaves to build empires. 

Why do we still do this?
Why are we so ready to slit the throat of a stranger and to sacrifice our own sanity to climb the invisible ladder of 'success'?

In our thriving to achieve. To dream. To create and REAL-ise our thoughts and ideas. Let us no not forget our inner well-being. That we will not trade true friendship for cheap fortune. That we will not trade true love over things that whither and burn. That we move for the feeling and love for whatever craft we wish to 'perfect' and not just to be seen. So we care more about what we know than what we want others to think we know. So that, as we have, so greatly, created a world of amazing technology and manipulated material in such a way that we can live more abundantly. We should also respect the other side of ourselves that cries for growth. 

So we do not place material profit over emotional health. 

A shift in priorities is necessary.

Planet Earth is one of manifestation.
I cannot say what the other planets revolve around, I've never been there. 

But our Earth, with its obsession with things that shine.
Has done a great job of shining from the outside.
However, on the inside... there is a lot of discovering, cleaning and cleansing to do.

Never leave hope breathing.

Never leave hope breathing. 

It has a way of seeping gas through the cracks of a torn chest. 

Giving breath to the concrete.
Filling a heart up with 'maybes'.  
You Find a faith in your bones. 

In the soil grows the seeds. 

'what if' is conceived. 

Before I lost the tiny device which encapsulated the core of my emotions. My sadness, my happiness. That was practically a portable part of me outside of me.

I wrote my whole life story.  Almost. I talked to myself about who I was before, how it's made me all I am now. 

How what I thought were my weaknesses are my strengths and how it takes time to be able to hold all your gifts and use them to your benefit. 

How our divine inheritance of talent will work against us and as a child to adolescent and beyond, until you learn how to accept yourself. You will sell yourself cheap in the desperate hope of being appreciated. 

Just as I complete the longest note on my phone that I would have loved to read back. Go over. Edit. Release. 

I lose it. 

The whole thing. 

But writing all those words, thoughts and feelings made me strong. 

Now.  I outline the lesson in all losses.

- There is a force pulling me to walk into something new. What better time to do that than spring. 
- When I was away from home. I was having so much fun, enjoying life... absorbing a fresh environment. With that I lost all the feelings that weighed me down. So do things that make you feel good more. 

- You will lose it all to learn protection. 
- You will lose it all to learn to guard your treasures with your life.

- People will care as much as you do.
- Make no apologies for the words of your soul.

And although it sounds like common sense. To always back up everything you do. I've been thinking about why I never did that with all my words. Even some of the ones I loved, maybe because deep down.  I thought, 'I probably won't be sharing this'. I wish I did now. It goes to show how important it is to protect the things that mean a lot to you. 

I still remember, a lot of my words, they come back to me in fragments, some in full- those are the ones I would read over in order to memorise them. 

So I'm writing it all down      again. 

(Atleast what is engraved in my brain.)

I do believe, we are given what we need to move forward, even if it's the minimum. 

I am not waiting

When we finally get what we 'want'. Who's to say we will not have lost the things that we 'need by then'? Like some friends and family. And yes I mean this literally, Of course... 'God Forbid' and this is certainly not something we want to think about or fathom. But as much as we are in control of our lives, as much as we are life. We are actually moving within spontaneity. There is so much out of our hands. In a later post. I definitely want to talk about something more personal, about my own personal realisations about what I 'want' for myself.

But who's to say I'll be blessed enough to have it all at the same time, my loved ones and my version of 'success', I pray I do. I pray when I'm 25 and I've got some things checked off the list by then and I've manifested a lot of my dreams thinking. 'Hm. Well done Hermenia'. I've got all the people I love sharing love, happiness and joy with me. But whether my future will play out this way is not in my control. So then, is it not foolish to anticipate the day you will 'glow' and lose the present?

In this world of social media, it's easy to get caught up in wants and 'goals'. It's easy to get lost in the hustle and the chase. It's easy to rob yourself of priceless wealth which is sincere love from yourself and others, and begin chasing replaceable material wealth.

At any moment in time. The ground can be snatched from underneath us and our realities turned upside down. 

If I had everything I ever wanted. If I was a 'successful' illustrator, writer, designer and all the other things I want to be that are too abstract for a title. And didn't have my mother. Of course, with time I'd gather the strength to keep going. But love does not die. And this fact is what keeps you in heart ache and also what heals you. It is a void and a feeling which can never be filled. So, this mothers day, I'm thankful and grateful she is here, beautiful as ever and healthy. Here to share life with me in the physical form.

It's so easy to imagine the perfect future. But it is merely a dream that will never be realised, because, if us humans had our way. We would have it so that we hardly ever or never endure pain. And pain is necessary for purging and evolution. We would make things too easy.

Life as it is, is already perfect. It is already divine. The present moment is this way for a reason and to be appreciated. And I have been constantly reminding myself of this.

So whatever,

I am everything I want to be right now. I am all that I need right now. I have all the tools to build and bridge between my dreams and reality right now. And as I'm working. I'll definitely be stopping to have conversations. To fall in love. To watch a sunset. Because there's no point building the future  to realise the view you had in the past was awesome. There will be no real bridge to walk over to see what you missed when your head was down.

My last post was. 'Negativity is inevitable'. Well so is success. Whatever that looks like for you. Whatever that looks like for me. You know what let me talk to myself. Because I always am anyway, I'm actually thinking of making a YouTube channel under a name like that.

As long as I continue to fall in love with myself.
To practice using my body as a vessel for a message to uplift the world.
To love others.
And give light for growth.
As long as I meet God half way.
Then the universe will respond to my frequency and energy I'm giving out.  

That's not saying I'll never get stressed. but, I will stop pretending I'm not already all the things I wanted be once upon a time. 
Oh and a little bit more. :) 

There's a song by 'Nuages' called. 'Dream'. It's a trip. Cos it really takes you on a journey. There's a beautiful instrumental. And over it.

Is the voice of philosopher Alan Watts:

"So then, let’s suppose that you were able every night to dream any dream you wanted to dream, and that you could for example have the power within one night to dream 75 years of time, or any length of time you wanted to have.

And you would, naturally, as you began on this adventure of dreams, you would fulfil all your wishes. You would have every kind of pleasure. And after several nights of 75 years of total pleasure each you would say “Well that was pretty great”. But now let’s have a surprise, let’s have a dream which isn't under control, where something is gonna happen to me that I don’t know what it's gonna be.

And you would dig that and would come out of that and you would say “Wow that was a close shave, wasn't it?”. Then you would get more and more adventurous and you would make further- and further-out gambles what you would dream. And finally, you would dream where you are now. You would dream the dream of living the life that you are actually living today."

I'm back to blogging if you haven't noticed. 

- Hermenia 

The Negative Is Inevitable.

There is a fight between what is our human tendency and the struggle to embody 'heavenly' attributes.

This idea of constant positivity and the idea of 'fearlessness' is one of them.

Because from what I see, we are always being pushed to one extreme or the other. 

These things leave a person feeling like a failure when they cannot escape 'negative' emotions,

'why am I fighting my own thoughts'

'why am I thinking this way'

'why do I always breed negative thoughts, even though I'm trying to be positive' 

'why do I self doubt'

Built up frustration, does the reverse. Its ends up feeding exactly the energy you tried to avoid. What you feed- grows.

Peace isn't running from commotion, rather understanding that with or without troubles, your life is not completely defined by the noise you'd rather not hear.

-Then, the game begins, tricking ourselves into believing that one of these days. We will wake up on a summer day to a glittering sunrise. A bowl of fruit on the table near our bedside, the smell of fresh pine and a scenic view for a back garden. Nothing will bother us, we will manifest each and every dream. One day, everything will be perfectly okay. 

We will only really know positivity.... 

And it is this hope of a Utopian-like future that leaves us living in the constant day-dream of all the things that are better than right now.

The present moment dies. 

The idea that we should only know the light without having met darkness is ridiculous. 

When we realise that we are okay, that there is nothing wrong with us, when we allow ourselves to feel whatever it is we are feeling. For whatever reason. 

The fight calms. 

When we accept that we can never really only be positive, that to be human means to be painted in every tone. And that every tone serves it's purpose. 

We save the energy we would spend being angry at ourselves for being less than we imagine. 

And invest that energy into creating the thoughts that dwell in our imagination.

There is a peace in accepting life will always be this way.

It creates to destroy.

destroys to create. 

You and I, will inevitably both mimic this, because we are the very universe we observe. 

So God created mankind in his own image. Genesis 1:27 

In a stream of thought I wrote:

'Life exists within two planes. 

What we want to be and fear of who we are.
Living exists within not forcing ourselves to live under the umbrella of 'always positive'. Rather accepting we are fearful.

And doing it anyway.
In the centre.

From extreme to extreme.
We are no in between it seems.
Someone is either praised as fearless.

Or laughed at as fearful'. 

'Emotions are never fully overcome. 

Because emotions never really die.
They only fail to reside within particular situations -when you understand why you felt that way. 

And go ahead anyway.
You overcome a situation.
You never fully overcome fear itself.

Us humans are wrapped in all these feelings.
Our brains are laced and ribboned with them.
So many colours.
We are made of them all.
to throw away a shade.
Means you lose another.

'To live with the taste of fear on your tongue'.
Somewhere in the centre

Don't lie to yourself.  

You are scared out of your mind.
And this is okay.

Because if you have never been afraid.

Then you do not know what it means to be brave'. 

Paint In The Water

We search. 


Search for music to speak for us. 
To live through voices of people we don't know. 
Search for intimacy in-between the pigments of a strangers skin and the lining of another's bones. 
We're looking. 
Hunters in the wilderness but our mission is a burden. 
Forever wanting. 
Forever unsatisfied. 
Wishing to sink our teeth into someone's feelings and spill our guts near the river.  
Under twinkling skies we curse the city lights that told us lies. 
About love. 
About being. 
About life.  
We're confused.  
We enjoy our pain it seems. 
All alone we dream of unravelling ourselves at the seams, to pick at the stitches that pull our façades together. 


We spend time painting masks. 
We spend time washing off.





- Hermenia 

The Walking Contradiction. Part 1. (Femininity, Masculinity and the Lines We Enforce)

I'll start of this post by admitting my hesitation to begin writing in the first place, how do you indulge in such topics without generalising? How do you put your stamp on a controversial and universal discussion without stepping on too many toes? Hm. I'm not sure if that's possible, but what I do know is that, if we always chose to digress... *gathers self*

If we always chose to digress

We'd always be secretly hoping, waiting for that one person to say the thing we've always wanted to say. That one person to be brave enough to speak through us, not to blame any group of people, or to cause some kind of uproar. But just to say it, so it's out there, so it doesn't have to linger in our bones any longer. But, I find it's actually far worse to sit on your realisations about the world we live in, because when someone does not show up as your saviour, to take the weight of expressing your opinion, you harbour anger, there's injustice and things you want to say but you can't grow the tongue to. So an innocent opinion transforms to pain and those lingering bones become a curled up fist. There's no need for this because we are born to express freely, as long as we are not hurting others... hey, you might find someone out there agrees with you. 

People say, 'you have to be, what you want to see', and I know what I want to read for sure, so as a way to honour the start of a new year, I guess I'm giving myself that respect to say what the hell I think. A state of freedom calls, so lets go there. 

The Walking Contradiction. 

It's day one of a new year and I'm chilling, as you do. Cooking up something good and dancing to my erratic Youtube playlist. Two unheard voice notes on a Whatsapp conversation and a link to an article: 

The Ugly Side of Being a Single, Attractive and Available Heterosexual Woman 

If you haven't read the article already, you should. 

Now, my initial reaction and this overall post is not solely in response to the article, but rather the annoying yet inevitable recurrence of this topic on my phone screen every couple of months.

It's a reaction to hearing men on countless occasions, praise feminine sexuality when they can feed from it, but then curse at a woman when she refuses to share.

It's a reaction to hearing terms like 'side-chick' and wondering how on Earth it's considered okay to perpetuate the idea of using someone simply to fulfil sexual appetites, while holding hands with the ones you claim to 'love' like its all good. 

It's the obvious look of wanting and desire on a man's face when a woman wears revealing clothes, yet, their mind tells them. She's not good enough to be his girlfriend, fiancé, wife. 

But she's good enough for games right? ...why?

Ever heard of 'you are what you associate with'? or beyond that and better yet 'you are what you eat'?
ha.

If a hoe/slut is equivalent to scum/dirt... and only rats play in the dirt,
I'm trying to figure out where in that analogy leaves a man that sleeps with women he slyly believes he is better than, because well... he's simply male, and their 'easy'.
*shrugs*

We live in a world which tells us women must carry themselves at a  particular standard, if not they will be shamed. Yet, we do not push men to also bare this weight, advertisements, music video's media says, women are too precious and beautiful, too divine to reduce themselves to objects yet, unfortunately for them, too irresistible to not be played with.

In turn,there are a lot of men who lust after exactly what they condemn. 

But! This post isn't about shaming, far from it, rather, it's about standards, it's beyond social dynamics and it's about living up to the idea's you believe you are worthy of. If you believe certain behaviours are degrading, then don't degrade yourself by turning your head to look down at them. Simple, no? I don't know..

I do know, women are taught from young ages to restrain, to not be too forward- especially when it comes to initiating interactions. This is for the safe keep of their 'reputations' and needless to say, their safety, they do just that.
Whether it's right or wrong...
They digress.  

Standards. Associate with the things, people, places that coincide with your standards, this post isn't about setting everyone a bar so, whatever the hell yours is, stay close to that, and if you see something that is not of you being practised, leave it alone, you don't have to poke at it, gawk at it, or wonder what that button does, or call it names for that matter. Man or woman, hold yourself up to the same standards you hold others to. Reject hypocrisy.

Don't be a walking contradiction, you know when they say 'you can't smell it cos it's on you'?
Yh. Don't be that guy... or girl.

Going back to the problem, it is that, the 'boys will be boys' mentality is still as strong as ever. The idea that men think they can 'sow their wild oats' before they meet a gracious young woman and then settle down with her on ice white sheets that she won't at all mind if he stains with dirty hands.
This is the fairytale that still drifts through the brains of a lot of guys and is widely accepted by the whole world, in fact, it's is sadly reality,

So... I have one comeback for women who are damned by men, who are judged by men, that just can't seem to turn away from what they think is unholy... and that's simply... 'see you in hell... what now?'. 

Excuse the 'what now?'... a bit of London sass there couldn't help it.





This is A State Of Freedom, and I didn't want to make this post about simply 'Netflix and chill to abortion pills' I needed to bring myself to the topic, bring the depth of us all to the topic. So we don't leave angry, rather only with a thirst to better understand ourselves and practice these understandings.. 

- What isn't being touched on enough is the idea of hyper masculinity and hyper femininity, the holy balance within the two energies, what they represent and the roles we associate with both sides. 

- The fact that people preach men and woman are not the same, and use the concept of 'Yin and Yang' to marginalise both the genders, they use this idea to emphasize humanity knowing their roles and staying in their place, but clearly they ignore the fact that both energies exist within each other, Google the symbol yourself.

- Its the notion of the stronger and weaker gender, But is strength only aggression and dominance? There is so much strength in sensitivity, in letting go, and women do this in child birth might I add. (shout-out to Elliot Hulse for that beautiful example.)

- It's also the idea that men aren't allowed to show too much sensitivity, cry for too long, or they'll be branded 'pussies' or too feminine. And through this we unconsciously associate femininity with weakness.

- And it's in these, small, seemingly trivial, yet hurtful ways that we hurt a whole group of people, hurt ourselves.
I believe the bottom line is balance and respect. I've decided to make this the first post that discusses things that concern femininity (and in turn masculinity).

In the meantime, I could refer countless video's that have not only inspired me to raise my voice on such topics, but have opened my eyes to things I never realised. They aren't all 'Elliot Hulse' video's, but I love how he explains things, and he is wonderful to listen to. 

So here you go.

Video: Who's A Bitch?
Blog Post: How many WOMEN for you?




Until next time, stay close to the things you desire/admire, respect yourself and in turn it will be second nature to respect others and embrace ALL of yourself.



All words are mine unless stated otherwise.

Be 'A State Of Freedom'

Happy 2016.

Love Hermenia.