Abstract Desires.

What I know now.

I'm constantly trying to find the balance between. Doing things for myself, and sharing the things I do with others. The reason why I feel this balance is important, is because in this day and age, our virtual realities are deemed as just as important as our physical ones. Social media is seen as some sort of stamp of validation, if we portray our lives as prosperous on social media accounts, if we get people to like our pictures and give us compliments, no matter what is happening in the physical reality, we feel as though we are really doing something, as long as our virtual realities say we are.

I tried to challenge myself, by stepping away from social media and focus on my goals and aspirations. I found myself writing poetry a lot more and picking up my phone to create notes, thinking up new concepts, creating more. But still there was an emptiness that came with no-one else seeing what I had created. But I still kept on writing, and doing more, I'm trying to value my own opinion on myself and the work I produce before the opinion of others, I also wanted to prove to myself that I am really what I thought I was, a woman who believed in her own greatness- that I didn't need an audience of admirers to give me a pat on the back, so that I could feel good about what I was writing and drawing. To be honest, my verdict on whether my experiment away from outside opinions and social media was successful or not is foggy, I cannot say it was easy sails writing what I thought was gold and having no one to gloat to share it with. Whenever I would check my insta, or twitter, I would have to scroll through a bunch of amazing work from artists I followed, making me feel as if I was one step behind them. However, If I were to share my words and drawings with others, I would have to question myself on what spirit was behind my actions, would I be trying to prove I was busy? (lol). Was it love for the craft and sharing what makes me happy, or both. I guess, no one is watching me that closely, really it's me over analysing myself. The actions I make, why I do things. Why we do things.

I have come out with a blog post now, after almost over a year, probably because, well, there are several reasons. Last year I never knew what I wanted, like really knew. As for now I know what I want, of course that will change. I have been on an amber light for  a while, watching, reflecting, thinking. I have a whole universe in my head that really wants to take breath. So I'm letting it happen. I've been pretty much talking to myself. Which is fine. Sometimes the things you come up with at 3.02am, are actually pretty amazing and beautiful and they have so much value. What I know now is that there is nothing more valuable than your perspective.

I am always reflecting on the way I feel and think about things. Sometimes a bit too much, to the point where instead of just living and being, I'm tearing away at every action I've made, trying to figure myself out. A balance is always necessary, balance in everything- the key to health, but the constant strive for balance is a headache. How do you live freely and at the same time move consciously in order to change? There are so many layers to how I feel and what my mind is going through, I'm a different person than I was last year, even at the beginning of this one, and I hope, If you're reading this, you are too. But there is a stress and strain that comes with challenging yourself. The hidden battle happening inside, it's like you want people to know about your new found sense of enlightenment, at the same time you are trying to not have your feelings validated by sharing them. What I mean by that is, we'll often log into our social network accounts, and without fail there is at least one person talking about how they are making 'movements', how they are trying to progress in life and jump over hurdles. This is beautiful, and we have all probably done it before, and there is nothing wrong with it, I know I have, But what I know now is that the problem isn't what you do but consciousness in which you do it. Your intention behind why you are sharing what you're sharing. And I always want my intentions to be pure. (whatever that means).

Even though I know I may be the only person to read this, and whoever else does read this may just skim read. knowing that I felt, believed in the feeling and did whatever necessary for my own happiness. AND knowing that someone else may read this and be sparked with something, anything gives me a tiny sense of satisfaction.